Thursday, December 2, 2010

Gifts From Grandma

I don't understand why grandparents even bother sending gifts. In the 22 years I have lived I can think of maybe 3 gifts that my grandparents have sent me that I have used more than once. The gifts are so bad it's almost funny; like they purposely find something ridiculous and say, "Well there's no way he can like this...IT'S PERFECT!" For the first twelve years of my life, every year for my birthday and Christmas my grandparents bought me some form of the Greek Orthodox Bible (abridged, unabridged, illustrated, book of proverbs ie. Absurd amounts of religious shit). It was frustrating because had they just sent me the cash that they wasted on all those bibles, they might have received an invite to my wedding someday. Along with the bibles there was always an array of ridiculous clothing. Sweaters that will never get worn, slacks that are literally slacking and shirts that even my dog won't look at. I love my grandparents, and if they happen to be reading this somehow, I have this to say... Please just send me the cash so you don't waste your money. All the gifts you send are terrible (except the cookies) and it's really disappointing to open a box and find the same bible you sent me last year. I hate to put it so bluntly but Jesus Christ, I'm a broke 22 year old in college. The Bible was a good book...THE FIRST 3 TIMES I READ IT. As for the clothes, they have all been donated to Goodwill so someone who likes ugly shit can wear them. Take heed and send me more cookies in place of the terrible gifts you send, or some good old fashioned MONEY....Please and thank you!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


They say you sleep for 25 years of your life. Let me repeat that...25 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE ARE SPENT ASLEEP! I haven't even lived 25 years yet and it seems like I've been running around this earth for forever and a day. It seems a little excessive that in a 75 year life expectancy 1/3 of your life you don't even remember (unless it was a wet dream). If I could talk to God when he was creating everything I would tell him to go ahead and get rid of sleeping. There has to be a better system than sleeping, something like a battery recharge station, it would be faster, more efficient yet just as effective. In addition, I could utilize those 25 years to do productive shit like: sex, drugs, binge drinking, and maybe a little more studying. It is in those hours of sleep when the most fun things happen (minus the studying). It is also in that time when the most dangerous things occur ie. DUI's and OD's and AIDS (oh my). I'm not bashing sleep because I do get my fair share of it, I'm just saying their should've been a better system and there's only one person to blame...OBAMA!

Monday, November 29, 2010


As all 8 of my readers may know, last Monday was in fact my birthday. I didn't do shit for my birthday because that is exactly what I wanted to do. As the time passes and I continue to become wise beyond my years, I realize that our time here on this earth is borrowed and there is no reason why you should do what you don't want to do. Being unhappy is a dreadful thing and I for one am not going to feel that way god-dammit. This year I have a new attitude and a new positive outlook that will ensure happiness. I am going to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and nothing is going to stop me. It is fool proof in the sense that when I die, I can look back at my life and say, "Hey, I'm happy because I made myself happy." To the normal, straight forward thinking individual this new improved outlook may seem outlandish and or crazy. To me, it makes perfect sense. I'm my own boss and I control my own destiny. I was born, I will die, but in between those two points, you best believe I'm going to be happy!

BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVERYONE THAT WAS EVER BORN! If you're reading this and you haven't been born, then that's just fucking weird and hopefully one day you will be born (if you're not aborted).