Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Cuddling

Possibly the most un-manly thing a man can do is cuddle. Cuddling is one of those things you can't avoid if you've ever been in a relationship. The reason is behind it is simple...GIRLS LOVE TO CUDDLE. Once you enter that, "Ready for bed" state of mind (after sex or other things), the cuddle switch will be turned on in her head and point she may even reveal the "Baby voice." This voice is stage one of cuddling. You may hear things like, "Come cuddle" or, "I want to cuddle!" You must never give in to this voice. This is the same voice she uses on her dad to make him buy her things. You are not her dad, so never respond to that voice. When she's realized you ignored her request, two things can happen: 1. She'll get frustrated and try again, or 2. She'll roll over and pretend she's sleeping. If she does number 1, ignore it again until she stops using that goddamn baby voice. She must understand that the baby voice doesn't work with you. Once this is accomplished, cuddling will take a turn for the better and you won't feel like your having sex with a 4 year old. If she pulls a number 2, wait about 15-20 minutes before entering the bed. She'll be acting like she's asleep, so don't worry about waking her up. Crawl up nice and close and start whispering the most ridiculous things you can think of in her ear, for example, "I want to put yogurt all over your face and let my dog lick it off." A comment like this can only make her laugh. It is at this point when you'll be able to tell her never to use the goddamn baby voice again without offending her tender soul. Once the problem of the baby voice is solved, cuddling can be an enjoyable past time. I speak for myself when I say cuddling is a guilty pleasure; I love it, but I hate the fact that I love it. In the end though, more cuddling = more sex. It's like anything in life, you get what you give.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Wine

Wine is definitely made from the urine of gods. Nothing as sweet as wine can make you feel the way wine makes you feel. It's not quite drunk and it's not quite high, it's more of a loose feeling, a happy feeling; a feeling of carelessness and excitement at the same time. If wine isn't considered an aphrodisiac, then let it be known I am officially making it an aphrodisiac. The only thing can happen when a man and a woman drink wine together...INTERCOURSE. That's it. Wine makes you feel so happy and good that the only thing you can do is bang. There needs to be a warning label on all bottles of wine that says, "Wine should not be consumed by anyone not looking to have children; this product may actually induce pregnancy." I have a feeling wine was the cause of many mistakes over the course of history. It's a very scary thought, but some of us may not be here today if wine had not been in the equation. A morbid truth, yes; but it's a truth nonetheless. Drink wine, and weird shit will happen. Here's the wine challenge... Drink a standard 750 ml bottle of wine with a guy/girl you may be "Fond of" and try not to have any sort of "Physical contact" occur. If you can honestly finish the bottle with no "Petting" then you're either a really big vagina and you won't make a move, or you cheated and drank with a platonic friend. Just remember, when wine is involved USE PROTECTION...We don't need another Bin Laden in the world.

*I reference Bin Laden because he was clearly a mistake baby. No one with any sort of good upbringing could do the things he did. All that hate comes from the fact that he probably realizes he was a mistake child..... The son of a "Wino" mistake child.


Men

If I didn't write an entry about men then I would be a sexist prick and no one would read my shit (even though no one reads it anyways). Men are a cookie cutter species. Every straight male on this planet is just about the same. All we need to do in order to live a long happy life is; Food, sleep, sex (with an occasional blow job!!), money, and a nice place to shit. That's it. Nothing more nothing less. So primitive yet so misunderstood. Anything that we do in our lives is simply a means to accomplish one of those tasks. I know some girls out there may be thinking to themselves, "That's bullshit! I know my man and he is much deeper than that." I would reply, "No my dear, he's not." When we say something there is no hidden message behind what we say, it's there out in the open. We meant what we said and that's why we said it. I promise there is no interpretation necessary. Men are simple, and once you understand the simplicity of our thoughts, you'll be able understand why we don't really care about the little shit that happens in life. Our actions are driven by our needs and our needs are simple. FOOD, SEX, MONEY, AND SHITTING... Learn it, understand it, and enjoy it!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Girls

Girls are the most fascinating creature on this planet. Nothing can be done without a companion and it must involve some sort of drama. Shopping, eating, getting ready to go out, working out, dancing, studying, texting and even peeing are all examples of activities that involve drama and friend. It's hard to interpret this complex behavior, but for some reason the aforementioned is a fact of life. From my perspective (straight college age male) it's simply impossible to understand. I have never looked at a friend of mine and said, "Hey man I'm gonna go pee, come with me bro, we'll talk about that girl Stacey I was telling you about earlier." I don't know how genes work and I don't care, but somewhere in the female gene there is some piece of data that requires girls to do everything with a friend with as much drama as possible. It's a frustrating little piece of genetic data but unfortunately for guys, it exists. I am under the firm conviction that if this little nuisance of genetic material didn't exist, girls would no longer annoy their male counterparts. They would be able to relax when things didn't go their way and maybe they could do things alone for once...