Thursday, September 23, 2010

Burritos

Burrito, the Mexican version of a sandwich. I happen to think I may be Mexican because of the intense passion I have for burritos. Think of it this way, it's an entire meal mashed up and enclosed in a tortilla. You have your protein (chicken, steak, pork, etc...), your carb (rice), your veggies (lettuce, corn, beans, guacamole, etc..), and you have your flavor (salsa/hot sauce). I don't know about you, but that's kind of brilliant to stuff all that deliciousness and nutrition inside a tortilla for mobility purposes. Whoever invented the burrito clearly had the modern American in mind while constructing it. Burrito's make it very easy to consume a complete meal without utensils, and if a situation should arise, you have a portable 900 calorie delight. The fact that the burrito has become so readily available through chains like Chipotle, Moe's and Qdoba is fantastic, because before their inception, no one thought of the burrito as an essential part of the diet. Now, the burrito is an essential part of the diet and the proof is in the nutrition book I haven't written yet. I have at least two burrito's a week (at minimum) and that number would be significantly higher if Chipotle was readily available in Tallahassee (WHICH IT WILL BE VERY SOON!!!). I don't know what it is, but something about Chipotle burrito's is addicting. Perhaps it's the rice, or the chicken but I have a theory that they infuse their burritos with addictive opiates and thus the body needs the Chipotle burrito after having just one. I am proud to be a burrito connoisseur and I am very happy the burrito is popular amongst mainstream society. I could not imagine life without the burrito, for it is far to morbid to even ponder.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

ADDERALL

Here are the top 10 reasons Adderall is the best drug ever made:

10. It's the only class 2 narcotic that parents will encourage their kids to take.

9. It's the only drug that affirms the belief that your life is going in the right direction.

8. When you take it, you won't cough, and you're face will not go numb.

7. It makes you feel smarter than "The Average Bear."

6. It is guaranteed not to cause the "Munchies" (in fact it makes you unhungry).

5. There is no such thing as an "Addy-head" unlike pothead, crackhead, meth-head, etc...

4. You have to take a test for the prescription (stupid people can't pass this test and thus cannot abuse it).

3. It gets you in "THE FUCKING ZONE."

2. It's the only drug you can buy in a library.

1. While you're on it, your work gets done, your room gets clean, your car gets washed, your checks get deposited, your laundry gets done, your nails get clipped, your shoes get polished, your ceiling fan gets dusted, your bathroom sink gets bleached, your resume gets updated, you'll call your mother, you'll call your father, you'll call the grandparents, and before you know it your entire life is in order. All that is just in the first hour too...

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Vodka

Vodka is a dirty little Russian bastard. One minute it's your best friend and you're happy then all of a sudden your throwing up that wonderful steak dinner you just ate at Shula's. Vodka is a creeper amongst alcoholic beverages. When you're drinking tequila you know that shit is gonna go down. The same applies for whiskey or rum. I excluded gin and Scotch because only old people and Ol' G's drink gin and scotch and I'm pretty sure they're not reading my blog. Vodka somehow hides itself within the mixer and suddenly after three drinks, that vodka orange juice seems like just good ole' fashion OJ. Vodka has used this tomfoolery for centuries to destroy the essence of the drinker's soul (for the evening). It makes you believe that your drink is just that good, then...POW.... your laying in a puddle of your own puke or waking up next to Shrek. They say the Russians had great spies, well I would contend that they also had great distillers because making alcohol from potatoes is pretty fucking genius. What really gets me though are the flavored vodka's. Earlier I was just talking about normal vodka, but when it comes to flavored vodka's they are thrice as dangerous. This is partly due to the fact that the taste of alcohol is now dampened by the delicious essence of fruit and or . I once hated vodka because it made me sick (Aristocrat plastic bottle shit), since then I have grown fond of Mr. Smirnoff, Mr. Goose, Mr. Ketel One, Mr. Ciroc, Mr. Absolut, Mr. Stoli and Mr. Svedka etc. Keep in mind, this post does not apply to shitty vodka typically distinguished by extremely low cost and residing in a plastic bottle. If you're drinking that shit you deserve to be sick; but please don't take your anger out on the good shit just because you're too poor to buy it.

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Monday, September 20, 2010

Dubstep

Dubstep is the noise two robots would make if they had sex with a human. The sounds are something out of this world and they not only inspire me to do incredible things with my life (for some reason), they bring about a feeling of pure pure energy. Between the WHOOOOMMMMMMMPPPS and the WA WA WA WA's and the TATATTTTAAAA's I can't stop listening to this music. It's clear to me that this music was constructed for the ears of a robot. Anyone who has no clue what dubstep is, click here to listen to a sample (bare in mind this is a hardcore example). Once you've heard it, you either love it or hate it, and at this point you are either still reading this, or you have left my site and are currently beating it on a pornography website (graphic I know, but oh so true). What it comes down to is this, I enjoy this music ALOT, like ALOT, ALOT, but I just can't figure out how to dance to it and it's very frustrating for someone like me who loves to dance. I don't know if I'm supposed to fist pump or if I should learn to do the robot and the electric slide at the same time. Whatever the proper dance may be I have yet to learn it and I know I look like a fool attempting to move to it. Some claim that this how it's supposed to be done (WOBBLEGIRL). If that's the case I know for sure I will never be good at it. Regardless of my dancing abilities I can mimic the noises of Dubstep; to the point that you can't even tell that I'm not the DJ...

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