Friday, September 17, 2010

Projectile Vomiting

I would have to say puke is not only the grossest, but also the most entertaining bodily fluid. There's always that one moment right before you puke that hits you at the most random time and the only thought when it hits is, "Shit, this is bad." You panic looking for the nearest "safe zone" to empty the contents of your stomach but you realize there are people all around. You try to hold it until the puke says to you, "HAHA I'm going to ruin yours and someone's night!" At that point you release everything that was once inside you and BOOM...Someone around you is extremely pissed and grossed out at the same time. When you witness someone projectile vomiting it's almost like watching a symphony, it starts slow and quiet but in the end there's a grand finale that is oh so grande but yet oh so horribly disgusting. When you happen to be the one projectile vomiting, your body acts as a volcano does, you feel the contents of your stomach building up pressure, the hot magma pushing its way to the surface, and once it finds a break in the surface (your open mouth), it EXPLODES out of your mouth with extreme force. The one thing you have to hope for is that no one is standing close to you. This holds true especially if you're poor, because if they are near you at the point of this grande eruption, then you owe them a new shirt 100% of the time. I can't say that I remember the last time I projectile vomited, but I seent it last night and so I was naturally, forced to write about it. An unfortunate girl was puked upon and I'm quite certain her $400 Dior dress was ruined. I truly do feel bad for her, whoever she was, but I feel a lot worse for her father who I'm sure bought it. Little did he know when he was making his princess happy by purchasing such a lovely dress, that one day it would fall victim to her wasted friends PROJECTILE VOMIT.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Serving

So not only am I a college student/comedian; I live a completely separate life, a life in which I happen to take orders from hungry patrons and bring them their food. I am what some would call a waiter/server (I prefer the latter). Serving is a job, not a career. It is merely a means to an end as I embark on what the future beholds; however, I cannot embark on this future without $ or as some would say, "Cheddar" and thus, serving provides this "Cheddar." Most individuals who are a part of this service industry don't like it because, in all honesty, one must be a glutton for punishment to make a decent amount of "Cheddar." I myself am one of these people. No matter what the customer needs or wants, I will not only act upon it promptly, I will do it with a smile. I hate the fact that I am this way, but I can't help it, I like to make others happy at my own expense. I wish I could be the kind of server who just meanders by tables not paying attention to customers' glasses being more than half empty, not clearing their plates when they're done, taking hours to bring them their extra blue cheese dressing when it should only take moments. I wish I could be the worst server in the world! This is unfortunately not possible for me, I have too much pride in what I do, no matter what it is. I will willingly make sure any and every customer enjoys my service, even if it makes me look like a brown nosing bitch. Sometimes, you have to take a few on the chin and walk away a better person; But sometimes, you cannot sacrifice your pride for the sake of your own dignity. I know a server who exemplified that statement and he's going to share a story with you now. I had to use special lighting techniques to protect his identity...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Women In Locker Rooms

I'm just going to go ahead and say this LOUD AND PROUD...WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN MEN'S LOCKER ROOMS! Now some of you may be thinking, "Wow Stotle you're a sexist piece of shit and you should be ravaged by wild boars." That thought is first off, very mean and second off, it is the farthest thing from the truth. Is it sexist that men aren't allowed in the women's locker rooms after Wimbledon or after any college softball game for that manner? Is it sexist that every time the men's room is full and I have to piss I can't go in to the women's bathroom, even though women are always doing their thing in the mens room? It seems a little one sided if you ask me in favor of...You guessed it, WOMEN. Now with this whole ordeal about a female reporter feeling "uncomfortable" in the New York Jets locker room, my question is what did she expect? She was in a room full of 53 of some of the most testosterone infused, naked athletes and she felt uncomfortable because of some "Cat Calls?" I would have thought that she might be most disturbed by the 17 huge cocks she probably saw just hanging out, but it was the hooting and hollering that got her. Now I can't say for sure that what was said/hollered was truly offensive or not, but when you are 1 of maybe 5 females in a room with a large group of males, odds are someone is going to shout something. Look at strip clubs, there are few female strippers, lots of horny men, and naturally the strippers will get hollered at. Every time I go to the beach with friends and we see a beautiful girl walking by, the first thing that someone always shouts is something like, "SHOW US YOUR TITS!" I believe it's just natural male instinct that when in a group of only males the one who spots a female will hoot and holler for the undivided attention of that female in an attempt to be the alpha male and ultimately, mate with her. While usually very unsuccessful, it brings about an accomplished feeling of, "Yeah now she knows what's up." It's strange and I can't explain it, but it seems to be an instinctual act as opposed to a learned behavior. While I may not necessarily agree with shouting horrific things at women, I can't say I haven't done it a time or two (while I was wasted of course). I'm not proud of this fact, but hey, I'm only human, and so are all the players on the New York Jets. No one should be coming down on the Jets and I certainly hope there is no formal punishment for their actions. Perhaps the rules should change and no reporters whether male or female should be allowed in locker rooms. Let the team be a team, say what they want and when they finish being men amongst men, reporters can obtain their stories as they leave the locker room. That way no one can get hollered at offensively and most importantly no one will see too much penis for one day.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

OLD PEOPLE

I'm not Gonna go into huge detail here, but old people suck and here's why...
They drive slow
They smell
They're rude
They like stupid shit
They watch terrible shows
They are wrinkly and unsightly
They wear the worst clothes
They tell horrible stories
They listen to awful music
They have terrible hobbies
They give you shitty gifts
They hate the things I love
If they're senile they don't even know who you are
They don't take their meds to get high, they only take them for "real problems"
The last time they raged it was awful because it was probably during prohibition
They can't use a computer
They complain too much
They'll call the cops on you if they think you're a trouble maker
They act like you owe them something
But most of all, THEY LIVE AMONG US...They need to be shipped off to an island where they can do all their boring, horrible things together!!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

TRUEBLOOD

Since September 2008, Trueblood has captivated audiences worldwide with its intense, graphic action, it's multiple, crazy story lines and its many complicated characters. Until this season I was all about this show, every Sunday at 9 PM watching Trueblood was the only thing you would catch me doing. The show was basically the tits in mine eye. The key word here is, WAS. This season however, ruined the show in every way for me. The action was nowhere near the level it was in the past, the acting has gotten way worse, the storylines have become ridiculous and the characters are all changing in a bad way. When it first began, Trueblood was only about Vampires living in a society where they were not fully accepted; a pretty cool premise if I don't mind saying so myself. Then they introduced other strange characters like shapeshifters, a Maenad and they added a Vampire hierarchy which was badass for the most part. It was still very watchable, entertaining and packed full of weird, twisted action. Then this season came along and they introduced Werewolves, fairy's, witches and the show turned gay; literally. I don't know if production costs went up for action scenes, but they cut back on most of the wild action and went more in depth in the life of each character (poor decision on the writers' part). Then to top it off there were 3 or 4 episodes where actual gay love scenes occurred. Now I'm not an anti-gay douche, gay people should be able to live how they want here in America, but please don't show me the affectionate stuff, keep it behind closed doors (unless it's like really hot lesbians doing crazy things with lube and a banana; that's totally okay with me). With that being said, those particular episodes were uncomfortable to watch and you could tell the actors were even awkward in their roles of playing homosexuals. It didn't matter though, even if they had excluded all that stuff, the show was still terrible for the entire season. Every episode just set more and more shit up, only to have an anti-climactic finale where we viewers were left with no answers to questions that we never had in the first place (At least not me). I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know if I should give it another chance or if I should relinquish my 9PM slot on future Sunday nights. Whatever my decision is, one thing will hold true, I will be watching ENTOURAGE at 10:30!