Friday, September 10, 2010


So you're driving, it's a lovely day, not a cloud in the sky; perhaps you're even getting some head, getting getting some head; then....BOOM! TRAFFIC! Your day has been dampened and your roll has been slowed, literally. I don't think there is anything I hate more passionately than traffic. Whenever you're trying to get somewhere in a prompt and timely fashion, traffic will probably be there to F#%K you in the ass. I wish it weren't the case, but Murphy and his goddamn law made traffic quite possibly the worst thing in the world. Unless there is a horrible car accident that happens to be blocking all 6 lanes of the road, there's never a good reason for it. In my experience with traffic jams, they are all caused by the first asshole to slow down and gawk. I chose to use the word gawk because it most aptly describes what people are doing, they are not glancing, they are not peaking, they are not looking, they are gawking and consciously slowing the rest of us down, making us late for very important things. If you are a gawker please stop gawking and keep driving. People like you are the reason society is so awful, it is you who caused the great depression, it is you who started all the world wars, and it is unquestionably you who killed Jesus. If gawking did not exist, traffic might possibly be a thing of the past and maybe we could get where we're going with haste and uninterrupted beauty. Until that day, traffic will exist and I will continue to shout horrible, terrible things at any asshole who slows me down on the road.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Fantasy Football

And so the day hath come when Fantasy Football can finally begin. All that preseason shit talking can stop because tonight your team can do the talking. Everyone who's in a league claims that they have the best team or that they have a they have a sleeper player like Calvin Kolb. Both of these statements are complete bullshit because A) No one can predict the performance of any player so no, you don't know that if your team is worth anything and B) if you think you have a sleeper, you're definitely trying to justify the fact that you couldn't get the player you really wanted. I'm in a league of 6 people because that's pretty much all the friends I have (although Facebook may indicate otherwise). Now of these 6 individuals, I would like to believe I have the best team (carried by Adrian Peterson) but I'm not going to be a douche and go around saying that my team will own everyone else's because, I hate eating my words pretty much worse than anything in life. So good luck this Fantasy Football season, and shut your mouth about your team until it's 16-0 at the end of the season. Only then may you talk shit.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Library

Quiet please, this is the library not a goddamn zoo; so take your animal behavior elsewhere and let the children study their materials. This would be the reaction if I were to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs right now (being that I'm currently in the library). However by the time anyone reads this I will no longer be in the library, I will be doing bigger and better things. I'm pretty sure no one really gives a shit where I write this post, but I just thought I'd let all 8 of you know. The library is a strange place to me because I hate quiet places. Everyone is in their own zone on their laptops, studying data, comparing charts, reading words about things, listening to their Kelly Clarkson and Miley Cirus music, trying to cram for the test they have in an hour, all while maintaining complete silence. I hate it. When I study it's in my room with some Electro House music banging, Sportscenter on the tele, a cup of coffee and I have to be chatting to someone on Facebook. Without all those distractions there is no way in hell I would be able to study at all. The library is like a death camp, everyone is so serious and they act like if they don't do exactly what they're doing in utter silence, the world around them will collapse and they'll end up like their homeless uncle Jed addicted to meth in the gutter. Perhaps I'm a hypocrite for saying these things being that I do in fact utilize these facilities; but, I use them sparingly and I definitely do not enjoy my time here. The library is for people who aren't motivated to do things in their own environment, the type of person who can't do two things at once, the kind of person who likes to be around others who are also miserably grinding through the shitty materials they are forced to study. I hate the being in the library and thus I attempt to avoid it at all cost. If I can't, I like to make it better by acting a fool....

P.S. I only had one take to do this and I know I didn't make a big enough scene. Sorry, but when there's 100 people looking at you making a movie of yourself coughing in the library it's really weird...So sorry I failed you. Next time I'll do way more better!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I'm just going to go ahead and say it, fighting is probably the stupidest thing we as humans do. There's really never any good reason to fight unless, your life is in danger; in which case it probably wouldn't be threatened if the person putting your life in danger was half sane. Looking throughout the course of history, one might find that most wars were started based solely on a difference of beliefs, or greed. Perhaps it's just me, but neither of those are any excuse to start a war. Look at the Crusades, "I'm Christian you're Muslim...DIE!" Look at both World Wars, "I want you're land and you're Jewish...DIE!" The War in Iraq, "You're Muslim and you have oil?....DIE!." Brought down on a much smaller scale fighting between individuals is naturally much ado about nothing. "You called my girl a ho? oh you 'bout to get some bitch!" "What? You, took my parking spot....HELL NAW!" "What? You rubbed up against me in the club and made me spill a drop of Kentucky Gentleman and Coke on my fake Armani shirt...YOU 'BOUT TO DIE!" When it comes down to it, what's the point? Do you need to dominate your territory? Do you need to be the alpha male/female? Do you want me to be afraid of you? Do you enjoy mean cops, orange jumpsuits, and anal sex with no lube? Whatever the reason, get over it. No one likes a fighter unless you're part of organized boxing/cagefighting, then you really are a badass and you can fight as much as your little heart desires. Next time you're in a club and someone bumps in to you, don't freak out, or curse, or swear at them to provoke them, do what I do, dump your drink on their shoes without them seeing you; because there is nothing worse then wet feet while you're trying to spit game.