Friday, September 3, 2010

Dogs

Dogs are cute, need I say more? I guess I should. No matter where you go in a day, no matter how long, the happiest person in the world to see you upon your return is that beloved furry little fucker. Dogs truly are mans best friend, until they shit all over the house. But how can you blame them? Without opposable thumbs they can neither flush the toilet, nor open the door to let themselves out. I will say this however, any dog that weighs less than 15 pounds is a rat. I don't care if you think it's the most adorable thing on the planet because it can fit in your Louis Vouitton purse, the creature is a rat. Those dogs are worthless and should immediately be considered rodents or pests. When you own a dog, you should never have to worry about breaking it from picking it up too fast. Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Stotle, why do you hate small dogs so much?" To be completely honest I can't answer that question, I can only say they think they're dogs when really they are an inferior species and are a complete waste of space. But enough about small dogs, I'm getting a wee bit heated. "Normal size dogs" are basically the perfect animal; loyal, obedient, intelligent, curious and did i mention cute? The only thing that would make dogs better is if they could talk, and by talk I mean hold my attention in an engaging conversation about the interests we mutually share. That will be a fantastic day, when the canine species evolves and is able to effectively communicate with humans. Hell at that point they may even pick up some human habits. Check out this preview to a show that will be coming to ABC Family this Fall...


Thursday, September 2, 2010

GYM TIME

I think it's safe to say everyone, (if possible) would like to be jacked and tan. With excellent role models in the world like the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore, why wouldn't you want to be jacked and tan? I mean look at those guys, every night, out at clubs being jacked and tan, saying no to grenades and land mines all day and night. The Situation is now even endorsing a protein infused vodka called "Devotion." All it took was a little gym, tanning and laundry (and some roids) on the reg. Ok I'm done talking about the Jersey Shore. But from what I've seen, everyone is trying to look good. Some are succeeding and others... Not so much. The gym is no longer a place for people to simply improve their physical capabilities, it's become a place to show off. Whether you're trying to bench 245 with awful technique when you know all you can bench is 185; or, you're standing in front of the mirror lifting up you're shirt pretending to wipe away the sweat at your brow. We all know you just want to see if that beer belly of yours is a six pack yet, please stop doing it. Girls are totally guilty too. When you're putting the 8 pound dumbbells back, you don't have to bend all the way over to show us what you look like from behind. You look splendid in your spandex, I already looked, all you're doing is just showing everyone what they're not going to be looking at this evening (if you know what I mean). What it comes down to is this, the gym is a place to make yourself a healthier, more physically capable person. Whether it's solely cardio vascular, or just strength; the gym is for you and you only. No one needs to put on a show for anyone else but yourself. If it's your goal to look like The Situation then good for you, maybe one day you can be on MTV and endorse the new steroid infused marijuana; once they both become legal. But on a serious note, stop trying to be the goddamn king of the gym, I promise you that you are not and you probably never will be. Check out my impression of every single girl at the gym...


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Homeless People

Homeless people are like cockroaches, dirty, scary and always searching for scraps. The only difference is, you probably won't find any homeless people in your bath tub (unless you put them there). Perhaps that was cruel and unusually douchey of me to say, but it's gotten to the point where I am sick of seeing homeless people always doing their annoying homeless things. Standing in front of various stores, always asking for my change or my watch and monocle. Perhaps if they weren't so demanding and actually attempted to befriend me before trying to rape my wallet, I might just toss them a few pennies. But then again I don't think I could be friends with someone who smells like they just ate a diaper. As you can see I'm not a big fan of the homeless. It all comes down to the fact that most of them are extremely creepy. When I get the vibe that they would rather have some of my ass than some of my wallet, then that one bad apple of the homeless population has spoiled the bunch. To make this clear, see what I had to say about a particularly creepy encounter with a homeless person down at the West Palm Beach Improv...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Words With Friends

Perhaps it is the greatest game/app ever created in the history of mankind...DIGITAL SCRABBLE or should I say Words With Friends. If you have an Iphone and you don't have this app, get it! However; I must warn you, this game is not for the faint of heart (r-tards), it is a game built for intellect and creativity. If you don't like to think, then this game is not for you. If you've never played Scrabble in your life, it works like this. Every letter has a point value and each player begins with 7 letters. Each player must take these letters and create words strategically on the board connected to all prior words played. When you've submitted a word, the points of each corresponding letter will be added up and you will be assessed a total for your word. Strategy comes into play based on where you place your words and what letters land on the what bonuses which include: double letter, triple letter, double word and triple word. Every single move you make must be carefully planned and made with extreme caution; for if it is not, you will get owned (real bad). I was never a Scrabble player as a kid, I was a Monopoly man, but as soon as I found this app and I saw how competitive it could be, it has become my new favorite board/electronic game of all time. It's amazing how excited and pissed someone can get over a word. If I were to ever get so lucky as to play a word like "QUIZ" where I would hit the Q on a triple letter and end with the Z on a triple word, I would shout for joy no matter where I was. But if someone were to hit that same word against me (which they wouldn't because I would never set someone up with such gravy) I would consider chucking my Iphone straight into the ground. The anger brought about by this game can also apply to any asshole that decides to make up words that just so happen to actually be words. This is unethical behavior and anyone who does it is a cheater unless I'm the one doing it to you. In case you were wondering if I take this game seriously, the answer is a very emphatic YES! I hate losing in anything I do, especially when it comes down to a game that involves such strategic intelligence. If you have this app and you want to lose, find me on The Words With Friends Board. USERNAME: STOTLE6

Monday, August 30, 2010

College Football

It is once again almost the most glorious part of the year, college football season! It is a time when the best and the worst of someone's character is exploited. Games are won and lost on the field, but the aftermath of an L or a W is heartfelt by all the respective fans. College gameday all begins with the tailgate. This is a chance to become belligerent and wasted so your shit talking to the other team and their terrible fans will not be filtered. This initial wasted stage can either make you look like a complete douche, or just a really hardcore fan. Without the tailgate you might have to witness the game sober and hungry (a bad combination at a stadium where a hotdog and a beer is just about $20). Tailgating truly commences the college gameday experience; between the gameday apparel, the fresh smoke off the bbq, the girls pretending they know whose playing and one can never forget those $59 kegs of Natural Light. Oh the delightful taste of cold, fresh, shitty beer. Without the tailgate, I'm not sure one could call their college gameday experience complete. After the alcohol has taken control of the body and kickoff is approximately 10 minutes away, it's time to make the trek to the stadium. Early in the college season, (here in Tallahassee) this trek can be extraordinarily hot. It can be tough on those dumb enough to wear sandals. I always choose to wear my most comfortable running shoes so my arches have good support specifically for this wasted, shambley journey. With that being said, once the stadium is reached, a miraculous feelings might take over the body, similar to a spiritual encounter (I would guess). It's almost an aura of magic seeing a sea of 90,000 people wearing the colors of their respective schools cheering and shouting for a victory. The sounds of the drumline playing in such unison, the announcer riling up the fans and then...KICKOFF! As soon as that ball becomes airborn, the season has begun and all the hopes and dreams of the fans will either be fulfilled or shattered. It's truly amazing what college football can do to a person never the less, an entire school (assuming their not blacked out and they can remember what happened). See what a fellow Gator fan has to say about gameday...