Friday, August 27, 2010

The Weekend

No matter who you are, where you're from or what age you may be, the weekend will always be something to look forward to. Maybe it gives you more time to spend with the family, maybe it's your time to recuperate from a busy workweek, or maybe you can finally let loose and start doing blow off Iranian hookers. Whatever joys the weekend may bring, they should never be taken for granted because once Monday rolls back around, playtime is over.
For an "imaginary friend" whom we'll call Logan Moller, the workweek brings about stress in every way shape and form; from balancing quizzes, papers, tests, to gym time and video games, it never seizes to end. Personally I believe the 5 day workweek is too long. Why do we need an entire five days to do productive shit only to receive two measly days of relaxation? The time could certainly be distributed more evenly to ensure that we are at our highest mental capacity going into the workweek. I believe productivity would increase, complaining would decrease and people would enjoy their time on this planet a lot more. Instead of, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." It would be "A nice combination of work and play makes Jack a happier person." Life is too short, live it up! With 4 day workweeks things would be way more better. And yes, I just said way more better... See what my friend Brosef McBrostein has to say about this proposed 4 day work week...


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Nice People

Perhaps this has happened to you. You meet someone extremely nice, like really, really, nice and not like Grandma nice, I'm talking so nice that they creep you out to the point where thoughts go though your head like, "Are they really this nice or do they just want to sell my organs on the black market?" Until Friday, August 13th I had not yet run in to one of these people, then I did. I was getting my wisdom "tooth" pulled, I only had 1 because apparently I'm more evolved than 80% of the population, so suck on that. But while I was getting ready to for the procedure my nurse had a few words for me in an attempt to comfort me before this potentially traumatic process. She was so nice that I actually began to fear for my life. She put a gas mask on me that she claimed would calm me down, but I was so disturbed by her creepiness that I never actually became calm and to be completely honest, I was looking very forward to that part of the procedure most. The Doctor came in next and began to insert some IV's. Now, considering that I am writing this piece two weeks later (today) it's no surprise that nothing bad happened to me, but people need to stop being overly nice. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great when someone holds a door open for me, or when someone tells me they like my shirt. I think nice people make the world go around with less friction and more harmony. But please to Jesus don't keep touching me and telling me everything is going to be just fine with your creepy devil eyes. In this day and age it's hard to trust people and when someone is acting way too nice, it's usually because they want something from you. I don't know what this lady wanted from me, or how she could possibly be this nice, but after the procedure I couldn't remember a thing and I'm pretty sure she had something to do with that. Check out what she said to me before this operation...


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Cross Walks

Unless you have lived in a really shitty third world country for the last 150 years you may not have encountered this fabulous new technology called CROSSWALKS. Crosswalks control the flow of traffic for both pedestrians and vehicles alike and unless you are a moron, crosswalks will ensure that you are not struck by any vehicles in motion. The first crosswalks were introduced in England in 1868. Unfortunately they caused major delays because of the time schedule and thus they were removed for another 50 years. Since that time, crosswalks have been placed at every single intersection in America (I think). Now what this means to you is probably nothing, but if you live in Tallahassee (or various other cities with a high population of blind folk) like me, you might be sightly annoyed by the fact that our crosswalks chirp. Blind people need to get across the street and I am completely for that, but making the crosswalks chirp at 168 decibels is completely unnecessary. I have trouble sleeping at night because the only noise I hear all night is the goddamn crosswalk across the street. Now, I find it utterly ridiculous for Crosswalks to chirp on a timer, if you need the noise, push the button. But when it goes off every 8 minutes, it becomes a little disconcerting to say the least. Here is what I had to say about this "crosswalk problem" at The Comedy Zone Tallahassee...


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sorority Rush

Sorority rush week, could very well be the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. To describe it in simple terminology, it is the ultimate form of social darwinism. The girls are forced to walk around in 178 degree weather (here in Tallahassee) while trying to convince anyone willing to talk to them that yes, they are good enough for that sorority. The week sucks and in the end, all the new girls end up doing very sketchy things in the near future. Every girl I have ever talked too whether they are a rushee or an active member of a sorority, absolutely hates rush week. For members of the sorority, they are put on lockdown; no going out, no facebook, and no trying to bribe all the potential new members. It is as close to a prison like situation that you will find among rich white girls in America. For the rushee, this week brings about an influx of emotions as they would basically do anything to get into the sorority of their dreams. While rushing, it is common for these girls walk around acting as fake as possible in an attempt to convince everyone that they are angels sent from the heavens above. The amount of scrutiny that they are under could influence this behavior which is actually quite sickening. It could be because, if a girl says one thing wrong, to the wrong person, they will immediately lose their chance to become a member of that sorority (a very traumatizing thing I could imagine). sometimes this is the point when girls just say, "Fuck it." The ones who carry on continue under this microscope will continue to answer questions like, "What's your favorite philanthropy?" and, "What extracurricular activities did you do in highschool?" Then answering with some terribly fake answer that they definitely just made up. I know all they really want to say is, "Drinking at bars with hot guys and such!" Sorority rush week is a serious thing for girls who are into that kind of thing. The ones who continue on with the process and ultimately become members seem to have a wonderful time; others...Not so much. I guess a week like this will make them stronger?? But the only people who really know about the turnoil of this week are the girls who have partaken in this painful process. To make this completely clear see what my friend Johanna Mounteford has to say...


Monday, August 23, 2010

Classes Have Begun

Fall semester is a glorious thing for any college student in America, (unless your shitty school doesn't have a football team) it's the perfect balance of structure and absolute mayhem. Between attending class, pretending to study, and writing shitty papers, sometimes college seems to have everyones balls/labia in a vice. The only thing keeping most college students sane is the mind numbing amount of alcohol and drugs consumed on the weekend (it is a very high number I assure you). The first day of fall is a realization that summer is over and that parking on campus is nearly impossible. For guys it is a day to see what freshman slam pieces have arrived on campus. For girls, I can only guess it is a day to show off all the awesome new clothes, shoes and handbags you got over the summer. Your classes most likely suck but unfortunately you paid for them and you need them to graduate, so suck it up and get a C because C's get degrees. Hopefully your professors do not suck (whether that be they don't speak english, they assign stupid shit, or they have an attendance policy) because if they do, it can make any class somewhere between 10 and 300 times harder than it really should be. Just because you have a doctorate and now you are teaching intro to bullshit does not mean that I care enough to come to your 8 AM class, so stop trying to make me with your attendance policy threats. Trying to be a hard-ass professor only makes students hate the class more, and during course evaluations, that professor's ass will get tore up (literally of course). But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, once I've left college I know that I will miss all the times I've gone to class still wasted for the night before. All the times I have shouted ridiculous things in class for attention and of course all the time I spent on Facebook instead of listening to a terrible lecture. All in all classes really don't have much bearing on your future life outside of college, one must never forget; it's not what you know it's who you know. See what Dr. Manjuri has to say about all his class policies...