Friday, July 23, 2010


Coffee could very well be the urine of God himself. No, it does not taste that great, but it can give you the energy you need to get through [Insert real life example here]. I have a theory that Jesus did not bring Lazarus back from the dead, it was Jesus' fresh java that woke his ass up, after a night of binge drinking on wine and doing blow off of those sexy Jerusalem hookers that were available back in those times. As soon as Lazarus had not but a single drop, he was ready for another "Eiffel Tower" with Jesus. I know when I wake up in the morning I feel like a someone shot me, then stabbed me, then ran me over with a Mack Truck (for some reason I am very achy in the morning). But after I brew some hot steamy Joe, I might as well be "THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH" because anything in my way will get owned. If you need me to slay your 6 page paper on Metaphysics, give me some coffee and the prompt. When I'm done, your teacher will ask you for permission to have sex with that paper. What is that? You need me to stay up all night to guard your house? Give me some coffee, and I alone will lock that shit down tighter than Homeland Security. Oh Wait, you need someone to paint your house? Give me some coffee then hire a Mexican, I don't paint. The point is, coffee can give you the energy to do just about anything, and in a recent study from the Archives of Internal Medicine, "Coffee consumption reduces the risk of being affected by Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, heart disease, diabetes mellitus type 2, cirrhosis of the liver, and gout." None of that shit sounds good at all, but our good friend coffee can tell each one of those diseases to fuck off. Coffee is as coffee does, and what coffee does is a goddamn miracle. Maybe that's why over 100 million Americans consume coffee daily, including my Uncle Ned from New York. See what he has to say about coffee....

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