Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sweatpants have a way of telling the world, "Hey, I don't give a fuck and that's why I'm wearing sweatpants!" While most people would hold this statement to be true, look at it from the sweatpants perspective. They DO give a fuck about you. They keep you warm in the most frigid of weather, they keep you comfortable when you're too lazy to change pants after you wake up, they let your balls/vag hang free, they do wonders for cellulite, and their pockets are usually deeper than your best jeans (Great when your holding a lot of drugs). Sweatpants are the retarded cousin of pants, but today they deserve some credit. I'm just going to go ahead and say it for us all... THANK YOU SWEATPANTS! WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD BE ALOT LESS COMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Headaches could very well be the most incapacitating ailment of the body for a bitch like me. I am a person that rarely suffers from headaches but when I do, I cannot sustain my being until I get rid of it. I can't eat, sleep, bang, play video games, workout, walk, or read. My life is basically on hold until the goddamn Aleve kicks in. The past 4 days of my life have been completely hazed over by a recurring headache. It begins when I wake up, takes a small break between the hours of 3 and 5 and then it literally "Skull Fucks" me until I eat 4 more Aleve. Today was the first day that this mind numbing cocksucker of a headache loosened its vice on my brain. I forgot what life felt like without a throbbing pain in my goddamn head. Hopefully it will be the last of it and I sure as hell hope none of you have to suffer from the one they call "HEADACHE!"
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I am color blind. It sucks, but not the way the non color blind person may think. People typically believe that being color blind means that I am unable to see colors. That my friends is not the case, as a matter of fact I see colors just as you or your granddaughter do, the only difference is I have a tough time differentiating between red, green and brown. Christmas time is tough for me, but not as tough as dealing with the interrogation I go through when people find out I'm color blind. This interview process typically entails getting riddled with question about the color of every object in the room. It's really annoying but somehow when people find out about my disability they must exploit it until I begin to sulk. Making a color blind man sulk is like clubbing a kitten with a Louisville Slugger, it's only appropriate in the spring on select Saturdays.
P.S. I don't know why I added the music to that video but it seemed necessary at the time... Enjoy the smooth sounds of:
Rebelution - More Than (Dub)
Monday, December 13, 2010
You know the holidays have arrived when you can hear the sound of Christmas music emanating through the speakers, the weather outside has become frightful (even though the fire is so delightful), and most importantly egg nog is readily available at grocers across the nation. The Holidays are a special time of year, a time to be merry and drink (ALOT). I have always loved the Holidays (namely Christmas) and I will continue to love them until Santa brings me coal. Just so you know, I am quite certain Santa is real and no matter what you think he will be coming to town, just as he did last year. Now when it comes to "The Holiday Break" which we students are entitled too, I do not approve of the the terminology "Holiday Break" or "Winter Break." For me it has always been and will always be "Christmas Break." If I were Jewish or whatever you have to be to celebrate Kwanzaa it would be my "Hanukkah Break" or my "Kwanzaa Break." All this political correctness really frosts my Christmas cookies. I understand why people want to be politically correct about the Holidays but fuck off and please get over your own ego. Call your break whatever you want and I will call it whatever I want. If you have problems with my actions I suggest you contact the lawyer I don't have, he's a big shot. OH AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS, HANUKKAH, KWANZAA AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAY CELEBRATE! MAY IT BE THE BEST ONE YOU EVER HAD!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Anyone that wears glasses, has a far more difficult life than those who do not wear glasses. The obvious drawback of glasses is that they give off that nerdy vibe. The kind of vibe that says, "I don't get any ass because I read books about things and stuff that you wouldn't care about!" It sucks. The second drawback of glasses is that people now know that your vision is challenged. They can take advantage of you using visual trickery when you are most vulnerable ie. When you remove your glasses temporarily to scratch your tired eyes. You really can't trust anyone in this day and age. However, none of this compares to the humiliation that occurs when someone wants to try your glasses on. If you are like me, and your glasses are as thick as Beyonce's ass, then people always want to try them on. It's annoying and pretty absurd, but unfortunately, these people just cannot fathom that glasses that thick can actually help your fucked up eyes. Of course, after they try them on and they realize that these glasses could only help a blind man whose eyes were burned by chemicals, they have to comment on just how blind you really are. I get it, I'm blind and I'm a piece of shit, but please stop trying on my glasses; I promise you will not be able to see out of them. I'll save us both the trouble and tell you to please FUCK OFF!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Will the world really ever understand why weed is still illegal? First off, marijuana is harvested from our planet earth. Not the law makers planet; ALL OF OUR GODDAMN PLANET, if you don't want any, then don't smoke it. Second, it doesn't need to be altered to get you really high. Unlike other unhealthier drugs like cocaine, ecstasy, meth, or heroin, marijuana does not need to be chemically altered to get the job done. Pull the plant out of the ground, break it up, roll it up, light it up and smoke that shit until your little heart is content. Third, our brains have a receptor specifically designed to absorb THC (The active ingredient in marijuana). If God didn't want us to get high, why would we need that receptor Mr. Lawmaker cocksucker? God knows a little THC never hurt anyone. Finally, people who smoke weed are pretty much harmless. The most destructive thing a stoner will do is stain their shirt with spaghetti sauce. They probably had the munchies so they didn't realize how hot the spaghetti was when they took the first bite. Because it began to burn the roof of their mouth, they proceeded to spit it out; it landed on their shirt, and it left a red stain above the "Famous" logo. The shirt is now used strictly for the gym. Since the dawn of time, weed has never harmed anyone, it has only led to the best conversations, great sex, awesome sleep, delicious meals and some of the best music ever composed. Sit down and ask yourself, what has weed done for you?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Final exams are the absolute last chance for a student to completely ruin their grade in a class. Professors use these terrible tests of endurance not to demonstrate your knowledge of their material, but simply to piss you off. It all makes complete sense. The entire semester, students ask retarded questions in class, make up stupid excuses why they missed half the classes and force these professors to deal with their individual bullshit. Finals give professors an opportunity to show students who the real boss is. It's completely on their terms, in their territory, and without assistance. In order to do well, a student is forced to muster up all their discipline to waste a minimum of 4 hours studying for, and thinking about each professor and the questions they might ask. It's cruel, it's stupid, everyone hates it; but hey, everyone deserves a sadistic pleasure, even professors. Good luck on your finals and don't stress too much. In 10 years when all of us are millionaires doing drugs off the stomaches of Indian hookers, the final exams you took in the fall semester of 2010 are going to be irrelevant... Always remember that ;) !
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I don't understand why grandparents even bother sending gifts. In the 22 years I have lived I can think of maybe 3 gifts that my grandparents have sent me that I have used more than once. The gifts are so bad it's almost funny; like they purposely find something ridiculous and say, "Well there's no way he can like this...IT'S PERFECT!" For the first twelve years of my life, every year for my birthday and Christmas my grandparents bought me some form of the Greek Orthodox Bible (abridged, unabridged, illustrated, book of proverbs ie. Absurd amounts of religious shit). It was frustrating because had they just sent me the cash that they wasted on all those bibles, they might have received an invite to my wedding someday. Along with the bibles there was always an array of ridiculous clothing. Sweaters that will never get worn, slacks that are literally slacking and shirts that even my dog won't look at. I love my grandparents, and if they happen to be reading this somehow, I have this to say... Please just send me the cash so you don't waste your money. All the gifts you send are terrible (except the cookies) and it's really disappointing to open a box and find the same bible you sent me last year. I hate to put it so bluntly but Jesus Christ, I'm a broke 22 year old in college. The Bible was a good book...THE FIRST 3 TIMES I READ IT. As for the clothes, they have all been donated to Goodwill so someone who likes ugly shit can wear them. Take heed and send me more cookies in place of the terrible gifts you send, or some good old fashioned MONEY....Please and thank you!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
They say you sleep for 25 years of your life. Let me repeat that...25 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE ARE SPENT ASLEEP! I haven't even lived 25 years yet and it seems like I've been running around this earth for forever and a day. It seems a little excessive that in a 75 year life expectancy 1/3 of your life you don't even remember (unless it was a wet dream). If I could talk to God when he was creating everything I would tell him to go ahead and get rid of sleeping. There has to be a better system than sleeping, something like a battery recharge station, it would be faster, more efficient yet just as effective. In addition, I could utilize those 25 years to do productive shit like: sex, drugs, binge drinking, and maybe a little more studying. It is in those hours of sleep when the most fun things happen (minus the studying). It is also in that time when the most dangerous things occur ie. DUI's and OD's and AIDS (oh my). I'm not bashing sleep because I do get my fair share of it, I'm just saying their should've been a better system and there's only one person to blame...OBAMA!
Monday, November 29, 2010
As all 8 of my readers may know, last Monday was in fact my birthday. I didn't do shit for my birthday because that is exactly what I wanted to do. As the time passes and I continue to become wise beyond my years, I realize that our time here on this earth is borrowed and there is no reason why you should do what you don't want to do. Being unhappy is a dreadful thing and I for one am not going to feel that way god-dammit. This year I have a new attitude and a new positive outlook that will ensure happiness. I am going to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and nothing is going to stop me. It is fool proof in the sense that when I die, I can look back at my life and say, "Hey, I'm happy because I made myself happy." To the normal, straight forward thinking individual this new improved outlook may seem outlandish and or crazy. To me, it makes perfect sense. I'm my own boss and I control my own destiny. I was born, I will die, but in between those two points, you best believe I'm going to be happy!
BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVERYONE THAT WAS EVER BORN! If you're reading this and you haven't been born, then that's just fucking weird and hopefully one day you will be born (if you're not aborted).
Monday, November 22, 2010
I'm not sure if Four Lokos are the best or the worst thing ever invented. On one hand you have an energy infused alcoholic beverage that "REALLY FUCKS YOU UP" but on the other hand you have an energy infused alcoholic beverage that "REALLY FUCKS YOU UP." There is no in between with Four Lokos. I think it's fantastic that this beverage makes pregaming a fast and painless event. For instance; I get off work late sometimes, and pregaming is out of the question. Going to a bar sober is also out of the question so what's a brother to do? I'll tell you what this brother does...CHUG A FOUR LOKOS! Now, the pregame is complete within 3 minutes, I will be buzzed going to the bar and because of the power of the Four Lokos alcoholic content, I won't buy half as many expensive drinks; thus saving me $$$. It's sad that people across the nation have put Four Lokos under such intense scrutiny, clearly they don't understand how to properly "rage." Anyone who has been injured or killed by Four Lokos had the right idea, but they went just a little too hard. Once you find the right dosage of Four Lokos (mine is 2.5 cans) not only can you rage to your fullest potential, you will see your database of awesome stories increase ten fold.
NEWS FLASH: Due to Congress exuding douchebaggery, the new age Four Lokos will be reformulated with no caffeine (but will maintain the same amount of alcohol) so if you want the same buzz either call your favorite local amphetamine dealer, or chug your choice of energy beverage along side your Four Lokos! DRINK UP!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"Til death do you part." The most broken verbal contract in the history of mankind. It should say, "Til boredom and hatred do you part." Marriage is an outdated institution (I know it's sad but it is also very true). I saw a statistic today that 40% of people under 30 years old believe that marriage is obsolete. This also means that people under the age of 30 have no hope. Marriage has become a business more than anything else. You get married, you buy things together, you share your finances, you stop having sex, you get pissed, you get divorced and then somehow your lawyer sucks and you lose all your shit. Just the thought of MONOGAMY is really just not that appealing. They say the reason a man gets down on his knee to propose is so he can look the vagina in the eye to make sure that it is in fact "The one." I am a hopeless romantic. I wish marriage and true love could be everything I've ever read about or seen. However, I am also a realist and I understand that life happens and people change. Marriage is not exempt from this rule, in fact it seems to be the prime example.
P.S. I'm not being a douche, I really hope myself and all others can find true love and be happily married until the end of time. Like if I had one wish, that would be my wish.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
The day of the man. A day in which females are (for the most part) forbidden, a day in which male bonding is the only thing on the agenda. A man day typically takes place on a Saturday or Sunday. It's the perfect combination of live football, fantasy football, Call of Duty, a plethora of chicken wings, Pizza, and maybe some sort of grilled meat topped off with a fountain of beer. Man days are the beginning of a beautiful week ahead or the end of a terrible week. They make problems less painful and they make girls more tolerable (when you're not having sex). If man days didn't exist, men wouldn't be the same. The power balance in the universe might be shifted and Barbara Streisand could very well be the leader of the free world. With her voice and her nose, How could men stop her??
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Video games (specifically first player shooter games) are a nerds way of virtually beating the shit out of other people. They can't do it in real life, so they have to do it in an arena where the playing field is (mostly) even. Nerds will stop at nothing to get kills. They will slice you, grenade you, shoot you and even noob tube you. The battlefield is ruthless out there and if you're not ready...YOU WILL GET PWNED. I try to play these games (specifically COD Black Ops) and I pretty much die every 45 seconds. It's frustrating to suck as much as I do, but for some reason I keep on playing. It feels really good to virtually kill nerds, like really, really good. It's a feeling that girls will never understand because while us men are virtually killing each other, they are sitting, texting their friends about how much they hate video games...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Possibly the most un-manly thing a man can do is cuddle. Cuddling is one of those things you can't avoid if you've ever been in a relationship. The reason is behind it is simple...GIRLS LOVE TO CUDDLE. Once you enter that, "Ready for bed" state of mind (after sex or other things), the cuddle switch will be turned on in her head and point she may even reveal the "Baby voice." This voice is stage one of cuddling. You may hear things like, "Come cuddle" or, "I want to cuddle!" You must never give in to this voice. This is the same voice she uses on her dad to make him buy her things. You are not her dad, so never respond to that voice. When she's realized you ignored her request, two things can happen: 1. She'll get frustrated and try again, or 2. She'll roll over and pretend she's sleeping. If she does number 1, ignore it again until she stops using that goddamn baby voice. She must understand that the baby voice doesn't work with you. Once this is accomplished, cuddling will take a turn for the better and you won't feel like your having sex with a 4 year old. If she pulls a number 2, wait about 15-20 minutes before entering the bed. She'll be acting like she's asleep, so don't worry about waking her up. Crawl up nice and close and start whispering the most ridiculous things you can think of in her ear, for example, "I want to put yogurt all over your face and let my dog lick it off." A comment like this can only make her laugh. It is at this point when you'll be able to tell her never to use the goddamn baby voice again without offending her tender soul. Once the problem of the baby voice is solved, cuddling can be an enjoyable past time. I speak for myself when I say cuddling is a guilty pleasure; I love it, but I hate the fact that I love it. In the end though, more cuddling = more sex. It's like anything in life, you get what you give.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wine is definitely made from the urine of gods. Nothing as sweet as wine can make you feel the way wine makes you feel. It's not quite drunk and it's not quite high, it's more of a loose feeling, a happy feeling; a feeling of carelessness and excitement at the same time. If wine isn't considered an aphrodisiac, then let it be known I am officially making it an aphrodisiac. The only thing can happen when a man and a woman drink wine together...INTERCOURSE. That's it. Wine makes you feel so happy and good that the only thing you can do is bang. There needs to be a warning label on all bottles of wine that says, "Wine should not be consumed by anyone not looking to have children; this product may actually induce pregnancy." I have a feeling wine was the cause of many mistakes over the course of history. It's a very scary thought, but some of us may not be here today if wine had not been in the equation. A morbid truth, yes; but it's a truth nonetheless. Drink wine, and weird shit will happen. Here's the wine challenge... Drink a standard 750 ml bottle of wine with a guy/girl you may be "Fond of" and try not to have any sort of "Physical contact" occur. If you can honestly finish the bottle with no "Petting" then you're either a really big vagina and you won't make a move, or you cheated and drank with a platonic friend. Just remember, when wine is involved USE PROTECTION...We don't need another Bin Laden in the world.
*I reference Bin Laden because he was clearly a mistake baby. No one with any sort of good upbringing could do the things he did. All that hate comes from the fact that he probably realizes he was a mistake child..... The son of a "Wino" mistake child.
If I didn't write an entry about men then I would be a sexist prick and no one would read my shit (even though no one reads it anyways). Men are a cookie cutter species. Every straight male on this planet is just about the same. All we need to do in order to live a long happy life is; Food, sleep, sex (with an occasional blow job!!), money, and a nice place to shit. That's it. Nothing more nothing less. So primitive yet so misunderstood. Anything that we do in our lives is simply a means to accomplish one of those tasks. I know some girls out there may be thinking to themselves, "That's bullshit! I know my man and he is much deeper than that." I would reply, "No my dear, he's not." When we say something there is no hidden message behind what we say, it's there out in the open. We meant what we said and that's why we said it. I promise there is no interpretation necessary. Men are simple, and once you understand the simplicity of our thoughts, you'll be able understand why we don't really care about the little shit that happens in life. Our actions are driven by our needs and our needs are simple. FOOD, SEX, MONEY, AND SHITTING... Learn it, understand it, and enjoy it!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Girls are the most fascinating creature on this planet. Nothing can be done without a companion and it must involve some sort of drama. Shopping, eating, getting ready to go out, working out, dancing, studying, texting and even peeing are all examples of activities that involve drama and friend. It's hard to interpret this complex behavior, but for some reason the aforementioned is a fact of life. From my perspective (straight college age male) it's simply impossible to understand. I have never looked at a friend of mine and said, "Hey man I'm gonna go pee, come with me bro, we'll talk about that girl Stacey I was telling you about earlier." I don't know how genes work and I don't care, but somewhere in the female gene there is some piece of data that requires girls to do everything with a friend with as much drama as possible. It's a frustrating little piece of genetic data but unfortunately for guys, it exists. I am under the firm conviction that if this little nuisance of genetic material didn't exist, girls would no longer annoy their male counterparts. They would be able to relax when things didn't go their way and maybe they could do things alone for once...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
After 4 years of taking a foreign language I still don't understand a goddamn thing. I attribute my lack of knowledge of this romantic language to the fact that my teachers are attempting to teach me in the language that I'm trying to learn. I have a message for foreign language departments across the land...SPEAK ENGLISH MOTHERF*$&#?S!!! I have no idea what you're teaching me if you're just babbling instructions in French, Italian, Spanish etc... Especially when I still don't know your goddamn language. I can conjugate your verbs, I can tell you what my name is, I can eat Brie cheese, but don't try and explain the partitive articles and their gender in French, Italian, Spanish etc... I promise, you are wasting your time. If you spoke English however, I might understand how to do the shit you want me to do, and maybe my French might not sound like I'm a half retarded 4 year old. I acknowledge the fact that maybe I suck at French because I'm forced to take a foreign language against my will (I am basically being ear fucked by a foreign language) So please, help me, help you, help me make it better, and use some English...
Friday, October 8, 2010
It's that time of the week again...FRIDAY! For many people it means a night of hitting the town and acting like a drunkin' bafoon whose primary concern is to DESTROY everything in their path. For others it's a night of relaxation with a nice glass of merlot or perhaps a fat spliff. No matter who you are or what you're doing, enjoy the beginning of your weekend because come Monday, you is finna be back on the grind yo!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Why do people bother to study? It's a simple question and no, it is not rhetorical. All I hear all week is how much everyone hates studying and I really want to say, "Then why do you do it?" The obvious answer is of course, "To get good grades you asshole." But let's take a look at studying on a much larger scale in life. One test in your presumably 75 year life is simply not worth the 4-12 hours you spent studying for it (unless its the LSAT, GMAT, MCAT or some other weird ass acronym test that will affect your career path). In 12 years from the time you completely failed your "Intro to Economics" test, no one is going to care about what you scored. Plus, what you "Remembered" for the test will be long forgotten (Probably due to some kind of drug or alcohol problem stemmed from too much studying during college). You also can't forget that we live in the future, this day and age technology is advancing so fast that the shit that you are studying now, probably won't even be applicable when you're actually in the job market. So what's the point? (That time it was a rhetorical question) I have this crazy, outlandish belief that maybe you should just let up a wee bit, don't take this shit too seriously because in the long run it's only going to cause some kind of stress disorder which will probably lead to some serious medical conditions at an early age ie., High blood pressure, or AIDS. STOP STUDYING AND DO WHAT YOU WANT! Life is too short to be miserable and I don't know anyone who actually can sit down and enjoy studying, unless of course they took some Adderall (Then studying is an adventure).
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The weather outside is frightful but the goddamn fire is so delightful and since we're in Tallahassee, Florida, it won't snow, it won't snow, it won't snow. You'll be able to hear those original lyrics on my next album produced by Kanye. I haven't figured out the title yet, but it will be something about ho's I assure you. Cold weather is both so pleasant and yet so dreadful. When you're stuck in the elements of cold weather, IT SUCKS. But when you're out of these cold elements in a warm place sipping on some delicious hot cocoa and or another hot beverage of your choice, cold weather is suddenly lovely. If you're from up north or another place where cold weather is an inevitability, it's expected that for about 4 months you are going to freeze your tits off. Here in Florida however, cold weather is somewhere between 40-55 degrees with a light breeze and sunshine. I hate to rub your nose in the glory of living in the Sunshine state, but with the adaptations our bodies have made in this climate (Thin blood), 40-55 and sunny is actually pretty chilly. Every time I visit up north during winter, I don't shiver because I'm cold or chilly, I shiver because my soul is cold. Not only am I cold to the bone, the chill finds its way into my soul and it usually ruins my entire visit. I fear that in the future I will be forced to live in a cold climate and I will regret living in Florida because of my very thin blood. But for now, it's time to bust out my fresh winter apparel in weather that other states only dream about during the Spring. Apparently my Jewish Grandmother used to live in the cold...
Monday, October 4, 2010
Monday is by far the shittiest, worst day of the week. It marks the end of the weekend and the beginning of the hectic and always stressful workweek. But can you really be mad at Monday for being such a douche? I mean if Monday didn't exist, another day of the week would have take the blame for ruining your perfectly awesome weekend. Then maybe Wednesday would no longer be the hump day and Friday wouldn't be the day of many "HAPPY HOURS." Without Monday we would have nothing to look forward too at the end of the week. This is why we need to forgive Monday for being such a douche and just accept it for what it is, the first day of the workweek and the end of the weekend. Enjoy your Mondays now because one day when we're all dead, we're going to wish we could have seen just one more shitty Monday.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Glory days of being a hippie are over, but that doesn't mean that they aren't out there. The hippies of today are a spiritual people who talk with love and compassion (in a really, really strange way). Judge them as you may, I have a feeling they're happier than all of us. All they need in life is love, peace, maybe a little ganja, some good music and organic...Everything. So simple and so understanding compared to us mainstreamers who can't go a day without road rage and dropped call drama. I'm not saying I want to be a hippie, I just wish I could be as happy as a hippie, a hippie eating organic oatmeal while talking directly to the higher Chakras that is.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
So there is nothing that frosts my cookies more than some ignant ass douche that uses poor grammar. Now when it comes to writing, I can handle some bad punctuation, or some minor grammatical errors because if you have read my blog I'm sure you may have found some mistakes. I apologize full heartedly, but I too am only human. However, when you're talking to me face to face, talk like a normal human being please. "I seen that movie inception the other day, that shit was tight." Is an example of precisely what I hate. I understand your enthusiasm for such a fantastic movie, but I'm quite certain you saw that movie, or maybe you have seen it prior to our encounter; but I do know for a fact that you did not seen that movie. I used to like the New Orleans Saints as an organization, but as soon as they started the "WHO DAT" campaign I can no longer support them, due to their poor usage of grammar. "Who dat gonna beat them there Superbowl Saints?" I'm not sure who is going to defeat those Superbowl champion New Orleans Saints, but I'm sure someone will try their hardest to do so. It's the little things like that which make the United States seem so ignant to the rest of the world, and to me, it's embarrassing us as a country and as a people in general. If you honestly can't even speak our own language properly, it is an indication that you will probably fail at life (unless you can rap better than Lil' Wayne). Now, if you happen to be one of those individuals who uses poor grammar because you think it makes you sound more thug, or it makes you feel cool on the inside, just stop. You sound like an idiot. You are not a thug and you probably never will be. No one will take you seriously and the nicest piece of property you will ever own will be the GE refrigerator box you find in the Big Lots dumpster. If you're cool with that then more power to you, enjoy bein' an ignant ass douche for the rest of your existence.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I would love to actually talk about blacking out, but I was so wasted I completely forgot what happened...FML?!
It's not just you and me, even the most legendary Philosophers and Poets of Greek history blacked out a time or two...
Monday, September 27, 2010
So today I decided to get metaphysical on yo' ass, by talking about fate. Is everything predetermined? Are we just living our lives with zero control over what happens next? These questions will probably never be answered by anyone haha so I'm not going to try. What I am going to do however is shed some light on the situation through one simple example, I'll give you my opinion, and you can draw your own conclusions. Let's examine the lifespan of a frog. The frog is hatched in water where it swims around as a tadpole/sperm looking bastard. It gathers nutrients and does various tadpole things which I cannot describe because I don't really know shit about them. This tadpole then miraculously changes into a frog that finds its new home on land where it eats bugs. The frog doesn't bother anyone, it just goes through life existing, munching on insects and acting like someone whose really high all the time. Let's say this little guy decides he's tired of chilling at his current location, so he decides to pack his shit and move. On this journey however; he must cross a street. He thinks to himself, "Fuck it, I've done this before and I'll do it again." He takes one hop in the street and...KABLAAAM....It's the last hop he ever takes. He's just been run over by a car. Popped like a pimple on the road and laid to bake into the asphalt until he is decomposed beyond recognition. Was this fate? Was this little frog who was just chillin', getting high with his friends alive, only to die at the tread of some low pro 22" Giovanna wheels? I don't know the answer to this question, but I think fate is bullshit. Everything has to die, one way or another and in this case, the frog got smushed by a tire plain and simple. If you think I'm a douche for saying that, let's look at the scale of fate when it comes to death. The amount of death in the world (for every single living organism) is simply an unfathomable number, so how then can there be a "fated" plan for every last living thing? I just don't believe that some superior force sat down and mapped out the lives of hundreds of trillions of living/once living things and developed a meaning for all of them. It just seems a wee bit unreasonable to me. If I were this superior being/force, I know I would just sit back smoke a divine blunt and watch all my creations do crazy shit with all their free will and instincts. What's the fun in knowing what's going to happen, especially when you're divine and you created everything to have specific qualities? If this divine being just let shit play out, it would be like watching the longest most epic movie of all time 24 hours 7 days a week for eternity. What divine being wouldn't want to sit back and watch that? Besides, the effort to make a fated life for everything would just be absurd, no one especially divine beings would waste that much time and effort. Below is a re-enactment of what a divine being may have looked like when planning the fate of some individuals...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Burrito, the Mexican version of a sandwich. I happen to think I may be Mexican because of the intense passion I have for burritos. Think of it this way, it's an entire meal mashed up and enclosed in a tortilla. You have your protein (chicken, steak, pork, etc...), your carb (rice), your veggies (lettuce, corn, beans, guacamole, etc..), and you have your flavor (salsa/hot sauce). I don't know about you, but that's kind of brilliant to stuff all that deliciousness and nutrition inside a tortilla for mobility purposes. Whoever invented the burrito clearly had the modern American in mind while constructing it. Burrito's make it very easy to consume a complete meal without utensils, and if a situation should arise, you have a portable 900 calorie delight. The fact that the burrito has become so readily available through chains like Chipotle, Moe's and Qdoba is fantastic, because before their inception, no one thought of the burrito as an essential part of the diet. Now, the burrito is an essential part of the diet and the proof is in the nutrition book I haven't written yet. I have at least two burrito's a week (at minimum) and that number would be significantly higher if Chipotle was readily available in Tallahassee (WHICH IT WILL BE VERY SOON!!!). I don't know what it is, but something about Chipotle burrito's is addicting. Perhaps it's the rice, or the chicken but I have a theory that they infuse their burritos with addictive opiates and thus the body needs the Chipotle burrito after having just one. I am proud to be a burrito connoisseur and I am very happy the burrito is popular amongst mainstream society. I could not imagine life without the burrito, for it is far to morbid to even ponder.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Here are the top 10 reasons Adderall is the best drug ever made:
10. It's the only class 2 narcotic that parents will encourage their kids to take.
9. It's the only drug that affirms the belief that your life is going in the right direction.
8. When you take it, you won't cough, and you're face will not go numb.
7. It makes you feel smarter than "The Average Bear."
6. It is guaranteed not to cause the "Munchies" (in fact it makes you unhungry).
5. There is no such thing as an "Addy-head" unlike pothead, crackhead, meth-head, etc...
4. You have to take a test for the prescription (stupid people can't pass this test and thus cannot abuse it).
3. It gets you in "THE FUCKING ZONE."
2. It's the only drug you can buy in a library.
1. While you're on it, your work gets done, your room gets clean, your car gets washed, your checks get deposited, your laundry gets done, your nails get clipped, your shoes get polished, your ceiling fan gets dusted, your bathroom sink gets bleached, your resume gets updated, you'll call your mother, you'll call your father, you'll call the grandparents, and before you know it your entire life is in order. All that is just in the first hour too...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Vodka is a dirty little Russian bastard. One minute it's your best friend and you're happy then all of a sudden your throwing up that wonderful steak dinner you just ate at Shula's. Vodka is a creeper amongst alcoholic beverages. When you're drinking tequila you know that shit is gonna go down. The same applies for whiskey or rum. I excluded gin and Scotch because only old people and Ol' G's drink gin and scotch and I'm pretty sure they're not reading my blog. Vodka somehow hides itself within the mixer and suddenly after three drinks, that vodka orange juice seems like just good ole' fashion OJ. Vodka has used this tomfoolery for centuries to destroy the essence of the drinker's soul (for the evening). It makes you believe that your drink is just that good, then...POW.... your laying in a puddle of your own puke or waking up next to Shrek. They say the Russians had great spies, well I would contend that they also had great distillers because making alcohol from potatoes is pretty fucking genius. What really gets me though are the flavored vodka's. Earlier I was just talking about normal vodka, but when it comes to flavored vodka's they are thrice as dangerous. This is partly due to the fact that the taste of alcohol is now dampened by the delicious essence of fruit and or
. I once hated vodka because it made me sick (Aristocrat plastic bottle shit), since then I have grown fond of Mr. Smirnoff, Mr. Goose, Mr. Ketel One, Mr. Ciroc, Mr. Absolut, Mr. Stoli and Mr. Svedka etc. Keep in mind, this post does not apply to shitty vodka typically distinguished by extremely low cost and residing in a plastic bottle. If you're drinking that shit you deserve to be sick; but please don't take your anger out on the good shit just because you're too poor to buy it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Dubstep is the noise two robots would make if they had sex with a human. The sounds are something out of this world and they not only inspire me to do incredible things with my life (for some reason), they bring about a feeling of pure pure energy. Between the WHOOOOMMMMMMMPPPS and the WA WA WA WA's and the TATATTTTAAAA's I can't stop listening to this music. It's clear to me that this music was constructed for the ears of a robot. Anyone who has no clue what dubstep is, click here to listen to a sample (bare in mind this is a hardcore example). Once you've heard it, you either love it or hate it, and at this point you are either still reading this, or you have left my site and are currently beating it on a pornography website (graphic I know, but oh so true). What it comes down to is this, I enjoy this music ALOT, like ALOT, ALOT, but I just can't figure out how to dance to it and it's very frustrating for someone like me who loves to dance. I don't know if I'm supposed to fist pump or if I should learn to do the robot and the electric slide at the same time. Whatever the proper dance may be I have yet to learn it and I know I look like a fool attempting to move to it. Some claim that this how it's supposed to be done (WOBBLEGIRL). If that's the case I know for sure I will never be good at it. Regardless of my dancing abilities I can mimic the noises of Dubstep; to the point that you can't even tell that I'm not the DJ...
Friday, September 17, 2010
I would have to say puke is not only the grossest, but also the most entertaining bodily fluid. There's always that one moment right before you puke that hits you at the most random time and the only thought when it hits is, "Shit, this is bad." You panic looking for the nearest "safe zone" to empty the contents of your stomach but you realize there are people all around. You try to hold it until the puke says to you, "HAHA I'm going to ruin yours and someone's night!" At that point you release everything that was once inside you and BOOM...Someone around you is extremely pissed and grossed out at the same time. When you witness someone projectile vomiting it's almost like watching a symphony, it starts slow and quiet but in the end there's a grand finale that is oh so grande but yet oh so horribly disgusting. When you happen to be the one projectile vomiting, your body acts as a volcano does, you feel the contents of your stomach building up pressure, the hot magma pushing its way to the surface, and once it finds a break in the surface (your open mouth), it EXPLODES out of your mouth with extreme force. The one thing you have to hope for is that no one is standing close to you. This holds true especially if you're poor, because if they are near you at the point of this grande eruption, then you owe them a new shirt 100% of the time. I can't say that I remember the last time I projectile vomited, but I seent it last night and so I was naturally, forced to write about it. An unfortunate girl was puked upon and I'm quite certain her $400 Dior dress was ruined. I truly do feel bad for her, whoever she was, but I feel a lot worse for her father who I'm sure bought it. Little did he know when he was making his princess happy by purchasing such a lovely dress, that one day it would fall victim to her wasted friends PROJECTILE VOMIT.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
So not only am I a college student/comedian; I live a completely separate life, a life in which I happen to take orders from hungry patrons and bring them their food. I am what some would call a waiter/server (I prefer the latter). Serving is a job, not a career. It is merely a means to an end as I embark on what the future beholds; however, I cannot embark on this future without $ or as some would say, "Cheddar" and thus, serving provides this "Cheddar." Most individuals who are a part of this service industry don't like it because, in all honesty, one must be a glutton for punishment to make a decent amount of "Cheddar." I myself am one of these people. No matter what the customer needs or wants, I will not only act upon it promptly, I will do it with a smile. I hate the fact that I am this way, but I can't help it, I like to make others happy at my own expense. I wish I could be the kind of server who just meanders by tables not paying attention to customers' glasses being more than half empty, not clearing their plates when they're done, taking hours to bring them their extra blue cheese dressing when it should only take moments. I wish I could be the worst server in the world! This is unfortunately not possible for me, I have too much pride in what I do, no matter what it is. I will willingly make sure any and every customer enjoys my service, even if it makes me look like a brown nosing bitch. Sometimes, you have to take a few on the chin and walk away a better person; But sometimes, you cannot sacrifice your pride for the sake of your own dignity. I know a server who exemplified that statement and he's going to share a story with you now. I had to use special lighting techniques to protect his identity...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I'm just going to go ahead and say this LOUD AND PROUD...WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN MEN'S LOCKER ROOMS! Now some of you may be thinking, "Wow Stotle you're a sexist piece of shit and you should be ravaged by wild boars." That thought is first off, very mean and second off, it is the farthest thing from the truth. Is it sexist that men aren't allowed in the women's locker rooms after Wimbledon or after any college softball game for that manner? Is it sexist that every time the men's room is full and I have to piss I can't go in to the women's bathroom, even though women are always doing their thing in the mens room? It seems a little one sided if you ask me in favor of...You guessed it, WOMEN. Now with this whole ordeal about a female reporter feeling "uncomfortable" in the New York Jets locker room, my question is what did she expect? She was in a room full of 53 of some of the most testosterone infused, naked athletes and she felt uncomfortable because of some "Cat Calls?" I would have thought that she might be most disturbed by the 17 huge cocks she probably saw just hanging out, but it was the hooting and hollering that got her. Now I can't say for sure that what was said/hollered was truly offensive or not, but when you are 1 of maybe 5 females in a room with a large group of males, odds are someone is going to shout something. Look at strip clubs, there are few female strippers, lots of horny men, and naturally the strippers will get hollered at. Every time I go to the beach with friends and we see a beautiful girl walking by, the first thing that someone always shouts is something like, "SHOW US YOUR TITS!" I believe it's just natural male instinct that when in a group of only males the one who spots a female will hoot and holler for the undivided attention of that female in an attempt to be the alpha male and ultimately, mate with her. While usually very unsuccessful, it brings about an accomplished feeling of, "Yeah now she knows what's up." It's strange and I can't explain it, but it seems to be an instinctual act as opposed to a learned behavior. While I may not necessarily agree with shouting horrific things at women, I can't say I haven't done it a time or two (while I was wasted of course). I'm not proud of this fact, but hey, I'm only human, and so are all the players on the New York Jets. No one should be coming down on the Jets and I certainly hope there is no formal punishment for their actions. Perhaps the rules should change and no reporters whether male or female should be allowed in locker rooms. Let the team be a team, say what they want and when they finish being men amongst men, reporters can obtain their stories as they leave the locker room. That way no one can get hollered at offensively and most importantly no one will see too much penis for one day.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I'm not Gonna go into huge detail here, but old people suck and here's why...
They drive slow
They like stupid shit
They watch terrible shows
They are wrinkly and unsightly
They wear the worst clothes
They tell horrible stories
They listen to awful music
They have terrible hobbies
They give you shitty gifts
They hate the things I love
If they're senile they don't even know who you are
They don't take their meds to get high, they only take them for "real problems"
The last time they raged it was awful because it was probably during prohibition
They can't use a computer
They complain too much
They'll call the cops on you if they think you're a trouble maker
They act like you owe them something
But most of all, THEY LIVE AMONG US...They need to be shipped off to an island where they can do all their boring, horrible things together!!!!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Since September 2008, Trueblood has captivated audiences worldwide with its intense, graphic action, it's multiple, crazy story lines and its many complicated characters. Until this season I was all about this show, every Sunday at 9 PM watching Trueblood was the only thing you would catch me doing. The show was basically the tits in mine eye. The key word here is, WAS. This season however, ruined the show in every way for me. The action was nowhere near the level it was in the past, the acting has gotten way worse, the storylines have become ridiculous and the characters are all changing in a bad way. When it first began, Trueblood was only about Vampires living in a society where they were not fully accepted; a pretty cool premise if I don't mind saying so myself. Then they introduced other strange characters like shapeshifters, a Maenad and they added a Vampire hierarchy which was badass for the most part. It was still very watchable, entertaining and packed full of weird, twisted action. Then this season came along and they introduced Werewolves, fairy's, witches and the show turned gay; literally. I don't know if production costs went up for action scenes, but they cut back on most of the wild action and went more in depth in the life of each character (poor decision on the writers' part). Then to top it off there were 3 or 4 episodes where actual gay love scenes occurred. Now I'm not an anti-gay douche, gay people should be able to live how they want here in America, but please don't show me the affectionate stuff, keep it behind closed doors (unless it's like really hot lesbians doing crazy things with lube and a banana; that's totally okay with me). With that being said, those particular episodes were uncomfortable to watch and you could tell the actors were even awkward in their roles of playing homosexuals. It didn't matter though, even if they had excluded all that stuff, the show was still terrible for the entire season. Every episode just set more and more shit up, only to have an anti-climactic finale where we viewers were left with no answers to questions that we never had in the first place (At least not me). I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know if I should give it another chance or if I should relinquish my 9PM slot on future Sunday nights. Whatever my decision is, one thing will hold true, I will be watching ENTOURAGE at 10:30!
Friday, September 10, 2010
So you're driving, it's a lovely day, not a cloud in the sky; perhaps you're even getting some head, getting getting some head; then....BOOM! TRAFFIC! Your day has been dampened and your roll has been slowed, literally. I don't think there is anything I hate more passionately than traffic. Whenever you're trying to get somewhere in a prompt and timely fashion, traffic will probably be there to F#%K you in the ass. I wish it weren't the case, but Murphy and his goddamn law made traffic quite possibly the worst thing in the world. Unless there is a horrible car accident that happens to be blocking all 6 lanes of the road, there's never a good reason for it. In my experience with traffic jams, they are all caused by the first asshole to slow down and gawk. I chose to use the word gawk because it most aptly describes what people are doing, they are not glancing, they are not peaking, they are not looking, they are gawking and consciously slowing the rest of us down, making us late for very important things. If you are a gawker please stop gawking and keep driving. People like you are the reason society is so awful, it is you who caused the great depression, it is you who started all the world wars, and it is unquestionably you who killed Jesus. If gawking did not exist, traffic might possibly be a thing of the past and maybe we could get where we're going with haste and uninterrupted beauty. Until that day, traffic will exist and I will continue to shout horrible, terrible things at any asshole who slows me down on the road.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
And so the day hath come when Fantasy Football can finally begin. All that preseason shit talking can stop because tonight your team can do the talking. Everyone who's in a league claims that they have the best team or that they have a they have a sleeper player like Calvin Kolb. Both of these statements are complete bullshit because A) No one can predict the performance of any player so no, you don't know that if your team is worth anything and B) if you think you have a sleeper, you're definitely trying to justify the fact that you couldn't get the player you really wanted. I'm in a league of 6 people because that's pretty much all the friends I have (although Facebook may indicate otherwise). Now of these 6 individuals, I would like to believe I have the best team (carried by Adrian Peterson) but I'm not going to be a douche and go around saying that my team will own everyone else's because, I hate eating my words pretty much worse than anything in life. So good luck this Fantasy Football season, and shut your mouth about your team until it's 16-0 at the end of the season. Only then may you talk shit.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Quiet please, this is the library not a goddamn zoo; so take your animal behavior elsewhere and let the children study their materials. This would be the reaction if I were to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs right now (being that I'm currently in the library). However by the time anyone reads this I will no longer be in the library, I will be doing bigger and better things. I'm pretty sure no one really gives a shit where I write this post, but I just thought I'd let all 8 of you know. The library is a strange place to me because I hate quiet places. Everyone is in their own zone on their laptops, studying data, comparing charts, reading words about things, listening to their Kelly Clarkson and Miley Cirus music, trying to cram for the test they have in an hour, all while maintaining complete silence. I hate it. When I study it's in my room with some Electro House music banging, Sportscenter on the tele, a cup of coffee and I have to be chatting to someone on Facebook. Without all those distractions there is no way in hell I would be able to study at all. The library is like a death camp, everyone is so serious and they act like if they don't do exactly what they're doing in utter silence, the world around them will collapse and they'll end up like their homeless uncle Jed addicted to meth in the gutter. Perhaps I'm a hypocrite for saying these things being that I do in fact utilize these facilities; but, I use them sparingly and I definitely do not enjoy my time here. The library is for people who aren't motivated to do things in their own environment, the type of person who can't do two things at once, the kind of person who likes to be around others who are also miserably grinding through the shitty materials they are forced to study. I hate the being in the library and thus I attempt to avoid it at all cost. If I can't, I like to make it better by acting a fool....
P.S. I only had one take to do this and I know I didn't make a big enough scene. Sorry, but when there's 100 people looking at you making a movie of yourself coughing in the library it's really weird...So sorry I failed you. Next time I'll do way more better!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I'm just going to go ahead and say it, fighting is probably the stupidest thing we as humans do. There's really never any good reason to fight unless, your life is in danger; in which case it probably wouldn't be threatened if the person putting your life in danger was half sane. Looking throughout the course of history, one might find that most wars were started based solely on a difference of beliefs, or greed. Perhaps it's just me, but neither of those are any excuse to start a war. Look at the Crusades, "I'm Christian you're Muslim...DIE!" Look at both World Wars, "I want you're land and you're Jewish...DIE!" The War in Iraq, "You're Muslim and you have oil?....DIE!." Brought down on a much smaller scale fighting between individuals is naturally much ado about nothing. "You called my girl a ho? oh you 'bout to get some bitch!" "What? You, took my parking spot....HELL NAW!" "What? You rubbed up against me in the club and made me spill a drop of Kentucky Gentleman and Coke on my fake Armani shirt...YOU 'BOUT TO DIE!" When it comes down to it, what's the point? Do you need to dominate your territory? Do you need to be the alpha male/female? Do you want me to be afraid of you? Do you enjoy mean cops, orange jumpsuits, and anal sex with no lube? Whatever the reason, get over it. No one likes a fighter unless you're part of organized boxing/cagefighting, then you really are a badass and you can fight as much as your little heart desires. Next time you're in a club and someone bumps in to you, don't freak out, or curse, or swear at them to provoke them, do what I do, dump your drink on their shoes without them seeing you; because there is nothing worse then wet feet while you're trying to spit game.