Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sweatpants have a way of telling the world, "Hey, I don't give a fuck and that's why I'm wearing sweatpants!" While most people would hold this statement to be true, look at it from the sweatpants perspective. They DO give a fuck about you. They keep you warm in the most frigid of weather, they keep you comfortable when you're too lazy to change pants after you wake up, they let your balls/vag hang free, they do wonders for cellulite, and their pockets are usually deeper than your best jeans (Great when your holding a lot of drugs). Sweatpants are the retarded cousin of pants, but today they deserve some credit. I'm just going to go ahead and say it for us all... THANK YOU SWEATPANTS! WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD BE ALOT LESS COMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Headaches could very well be the most incapacitating ailment of the body for a bitch like me. I am a person that rarely suffers from headaches but when I do, I cannot sustain my being until I get rid of it. I can't eat, sleep, bang, play video games, workout, walk, or read. My life is basically on hold until the goddamn Aleve kicks in. The past 4 days of my life have been completely hazed over by a recurring headache. It begins when I wake up, takes a small break between the hours of 3 and 5 and then it literally "Skull Fucks" me until I eat 4 more Aleve. Today was the first day that this mind numbing cocksucker of a headache loosened its vice on my brain. I forgot what life felt like without a throbbing pain in my goddamn head. Hopefully it will be the last of it and I sure as hell hope none of you have to suffer from the one they call "HEADACHE!"
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I am color blind. It sucks, but not the way the non color blind person may think. People typically believe that being color blind means that I am unable to see colors. That my friends is not the case, as a matter of fact I see colors just as you or your granddaughter do, the only difference is I have a tough time differentiating between red, green and brown. Christmas time is tough for me, but not as tough as dealing with the interrogation I go through when people find out I'm color blind. This interview process typically entails getting riddled with question about the color of every object in the room. It's really annoying but somehow when people find out about my disability they must exploit it until I begin to sulk. Making a color blind man sulk is like clubbing a kitten with a Louisville Slugger, it's only appropriate in the spring on select Saturdays.
Monday, December 13, 2010
You know the holidays have arrived when you can hear the sound of Christmas music emanating through the speakers, the weather outside has become frightful (even though the fire is so delightful), and most importantly egg nog is readily available at grocers across the nation. The Holidays are a special time of year, a time to be merry and drink (ALOT). I have always loved the Holidays (namely Christmas) and I will continue to love them until Santa brings me coal. Just so you know, I am quite certain Santa is real and no matter what you think he will be coming to town, just as he did last year. Now when it comes to "The Holiday Break" which we students are entitled too, I do not approve of the the terminology "Holiday Break" or "Winter Break." For me it has always been and will always be "Christmas Break." If I were Jewish or whatever you have to be to celebrate Kwanzaa it would be my "Hanukkah Break" or my "Kwanzaa Break." All this political correctness really frosts my Christmas cookies. I understand why people want to be politically correct about the Holidays but fuck off and please get over your own ego. Call your break whatever you want and I will call it whatever I want. If you have problems with my actions I suggest you contact the lawyer I don't have, he's a big shot. OH AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS, HANUKKAH, KWANZAA AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAY CELEBRATE! MAY IT BE THE BEST ONE YOU EVER HAD!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Anyone that wears glasses, has a far more difficult life than those who do not wear glasses. The obvious drawback of glasses is that they give off that nerdy vibe. The kind of vibe that says, "I don't get any ass because I read books about things and stuff that you wouldn't care about!" It sucks. The second drawback of glasses is that people now know that your vision is challenged. They can take advantage of you using visual trickery when you are most vulnerable ie. When you remove your glasses temporarily to scratch your tired eyes. You really can't trust anyone in this day and age. However, none of this compares to the humiliation that occurs when someone wants to try your glasses on. If you are like me, and your glasses are as thick as Beyonce's ass, then people always want to try them on. It's annoying and pretty absurd, but unfortunately, these people just cannot fathom that glasses that thick can actually help your fucked up eyes. Of course, after they try them on and they realize that these glasses could only help a blind man whose eyes were burned by chemicals, they have to comment on just how blind you really are. I get it, I'm blind and I'm a piece of shit, but please stop trying on my glasses; I promise you will not be able to see out of them. I'll save us both the trouble and tell you to please FUCK OFF!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Will the world really ever understand why weed is still illegal? First off, marijuana is harvested from our planet earth. Not the law makers planet; ALL OF OUR GODDAMN PLANET, if you don't want any, then don't smoke it. Second, it doesn't need to be altered to get you really high. Unlike other unhealthier drugs like cocaine, ecstasy, meth, or heroin, marijuana does not need to be chemically altered to get the job done. Pull the plant out of the ground, break it up, roll it up, light it up and smoke that shit until your little heart is content. Third, our brains have a receptor specifically designed to absorb THC (The active ingredient in marijuana). If God didn't want us to get high, why would we need that receptor Mr. Lawmaker cocksucker? God knows a little THC never hurt anyone. Finally, people who smoke weed are pretty much harmless. The most destructive thing a stoner will do is stain their shirt with spaghetti sauce. They probably had the munchies so they didn't realize how hot the spaghetti was when they took the first bite. Because it began to burn the roof of their mouth, they proceeded to spit it out; it landed on their shirt, and it left a red stain above the "Famous" logo. The shirt is now used strictly for the gym. Since the dawn of time, weed has never harmed anyone, it has only led to the best conversations, great sex, awesome sleep, delicious meals and some of the best music ever composed. Sit down and ask yourself, what has weed done for you?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Final exams are the absolute last chance for a student to completely ruin their grade in a class. Professors use these terrible tests of endurance not to demonstrate your knowledge of their material, but simply to piss you off. It all makes complete sense. The entire semester, students ask retarded questions in class, make up stupid excuses why they missed half the classes and force these professors to deal with their individual bullshit. Finals give professors an opportunity to show students who the real boss is. It's completely on their terms, in their territory, and without assistance. In order to do well, a student is forced to muster up all their discipline to waste a minimum of 4 hours studying for, and thinking about each professor and the questions they might ask. It's cruel, it's stupid, everyone hates it; but hey, everyone deserves a sadistic pleasure, even professors. Good luck on your finals and don't stress too much. In 10 years when all of us are millionaires doing drugs off the stomaches of Indian hookers, the final exams you took in the fall semester of 2010 are going to be irrelevant... Always remember that ;) !